Twilight

So, this will be a bit depressing [sorry] and I hope y'all know that I am doing okay, even on the bad days.

I was reading another blog and it sparked this memory. Stephenie Meyer writes the Twilight book series, about a girl and a vampire who are in love. In the second book, after Edward leaves because he wants Bella to have a normal life, there are a few chapters with headings and nothing else. Like, at the top of the page, "October" is written and underlined, but the entire page is blank, because that's how it feels when you lose someone that important to you- blank. After a while, she starts writing again: about how Bella pretends to be normal, going out with friends to see a movie she has no interest in because it would be 'normal.' Talking to people at lunch because that would be 'normal.' And I have to admit there are days- weeks actually- that I only remember because I have kept a journal. I still have blank days. Right now, this week, is a good time for that because everybody else is camping, and my melancholy won't impact them. But at times this pain is sharp enough that I need to be alone, to process my grief without bursting into tears in public or screaming because another well-meaning person has shared their view on death [usually somebody I'm not acquainted with, and usually not my own view of a loving God who cries with me because He knows what it is like to lose a Son as well]. And I deal better when I can be alone, and cry and pray and remember Myles without having to explain why I'm doing what I'm doing. Then I can go to the library, or wherever, and be around people without breaking down again.

I am okay. Every day, God lends me the strength to do what I need to in order to care for my three other children, and my husband. But it is in these quiet, lonely moments that I am able to grieve, and recharge myself to shoulder the load I carry.

Thank you for praying for me, and my family. I can feel it when I am prayed for, and it helps a lot. I love you guys :)

BOOM! oops

We had a huge amount of family time this week: Jared's parents drove over last Saturday, and have spent the past week with us. Monday they took my kids up to Lava Hot Springs, and stayed 'till late Tuesday night, which gave Jared and I a chance to have a real date on Monday :). Among other things, we went shooting and out to eat.
Wednesday, we got everybody packed, and the dogs and camping stuff shoved into the back of the Durango, and we [including my in-laws and their motorhome] headed up to Heber, where my family owns some pasture next to the Provo River. Jon and Melinda came with us, and we had a great time! Well, except for me not breathing or seeing because my allergies were horrible. Even with extra-mega-double doses of Zyrtec, I was miserable. Jon and Melinda drove me back home, and I spent Thursday sleeping and cleaning my eyes out :(. Friday I drove back up because my mom's family was having their reunion at that field. I made it through the 3 or so hours, and even took some photos. We got a lot of hugs and loving advice. The kids, of course, were happily accumulating as much dirt as possible, wading in the irrigation ditch and swinging from the rope Jared hung about 20 feet high in one of the trees; oh, and going too fast and getting caught in another tree's branches and scraping their legs bloody. That is why I carry a small first-aid kit with me everywhere :)
Saturday was another reunion- this time, my mother-in-law's family. Again, outside, but definitely fun to see everybody, and catch up with some of Jared's cousins who are in the Air Force. We generally get 1 or 2 of the 5 currently serving, depending on their postings. Jared hasn't made it to this reunion since we moved here in 2005 LOL. Anyway, we usually have breakfast, then some activities and visiting, then lunch, and we finish with some family history stories. I got a bunch of great photos of the kids playing different games, and one of Jared's aunts had compiled a CD of all the reunion photos she had from the past 30+ years.
Saturday evening we set up our fireworks, and had our own little fireworks show in the driveway. I took photos of that, too.
Today I plugged in my camera, and somehow lost all those photos- well over 150 pics just vanished. AAARGH!
But, in honor of the 4th of July and my gratitude for this awesome land that [with all its flaws] offers me more opportunity and freedom than any other place on earth, I uploaded a fireworks picture:

Shhh...

the kids are gone for a few days with their grandparents, and I am luxuriating in the silence here :). I went to the gym early, exercised, and ran some errands ALL BY MYSELF. I glittered some fish [for a parade our kids will be in soon], and folded laundry, and did some cleaning, and tonight Jared and I will eat together ALL BY OURSELVES. When the kids get home, I'll welcome them with open arms, but right now I am enjoying every solitary second ;)

Gardening

We met Nate and Saxon down at Thanksgiving Point yesterday, and walked through the gardens there. I got pics of my kids in the mazes, and all the kids in the wading pool around the Noah's Ark sculpture. The gardens are beautiful, and I'm really glad there was so much shade :) One bad sunburn per summer is about all I can handle...

Sunburns and swimming lessons

So can anybody tell me why, when I put sunscreen on, I get sunburned? And not just a little bit, but bright pink don't-touch-my-legs-or-I'll-scream burned. Hmmph. Good thing Jared tans well, and that he passed that skin down to our kids. Got pics of M and H at swim lessons this week. Since H's hair is wet, you can't see that he's bleached blond from all the sun he's had this week :) And Morgen's at the diving pool- it really is that blue :)

Tools are a fine, fine thing

IF you have a husband who knows how to use them :).

You may already know that my dh cooks well. That's important to know for this story! Jared had just finished baking some of his very tasty and completely made-up-by himself cheesy biscuits. He left them in the oven [turned off now] to keep them warm while he finished cooking chicken for our Sunday dinner. Morgen, who was in the kitchen bugging her dad [I mean helping LOL], was warned several times to stay away from the stove. As in, "Don't touch that!!" So, the first thing she does when Jared's distracted? Yep. She touched the stove. Actually, she pulled the lever on our SELF-CLEANING OVEN that turned on the self-cleaning mode, and broke it, so the oven was locked shut, with the biscuits still inside. Jared had to unscrew the front of the oven [did YOU know that the front of your oven can come off? I sure didn't...], and pull and wrench some metal thingies, but he finally saved the biscuits. :)And, he put the stove back together and fixed the lever [which we never use, but it was a nice thought]. Pretty impressive, eh? Yeah, I married Superman. ;)

Moving on

We took a big bag of stuffed animals and blankets to the Boys' and Girls' Club of Utah today. I kept the kids out of school long enough for them to come with me [this is the last week, and I'm sure they missed some very important movie...]. I didn't think it would be a big deal to hand off that bag. The blanket was a gift from the Medical Examiner's office, and had no sentimental value at all. Neither did the stuffed animals- we received them from many sources, and I let the kids pick out a few to keep, but we had no need for that many, and didn't feel right just throwing them away. Anyway, I handed the bag over to a lady at the B&G club office, and got all choked up. Then, of course, Morgen wanted to know why I was so sad, and I couldn't answer without crying, so I kept quiet. She repeated the question [standard behavior for her] until she finally got an answer- I got frustrated enough w/her repeating that question that my tears dried up :). So, I guess it's a good thing I brought my kids with me LOL.

And, in other news, I have a nephew: Owen! He was 7 pounds 9 oz [brother Luke was 7' 10" and sister Val was 7' 8"- or maybe it was the other way around]. And he looks adorable. Way to go, Emily!!!

So I was all pumped

about this week being the last week of school...








or NOT. Turns out that my kids have school through June 5th. That bites. In fact, the last two days are pretty much a waste of time- awards assembly and a half-day of watching movies in class. Yeah. Oh, not that any of the days next week are actually devoted to LEARNING anything, but Tuesday is their annual Field Day [similar to a carnival, but usually outside and the school pays for the rides and stuff]. Monday, well, Monday is another 'let's watch movies' day. sigh. I am so terribly ready for the summer, and our trips, and to have 2 weeks of school after Memorial Day just seems wrong to me. :)
Although to judge by the weather- wet, cold, and rainy every day this week- we're still in early spring...

We had a very wet Memorial Day weekend :). Monday we drove up to Heber to visit Myles' grave, and spent some time geocaching afterwards. And it rained almost all day long. I swear, I felt like I was in Iowa! I haven't had to water my garden at all this week.

N 40° 39 W 112° 01

If you have a GPS, you now have close to the exact coordinates for our home :) [don't laugh, I had to edit it for national security reasons LOL]. My Mother's Day present was a little GPS unit, and we went geocaching Monday night. We got coordinates for 2, found both of them, and we've got the bug! Since we ended up at a park, we let the kids play 'till it was time to go home. We talked about what Myles would be doing if he were here. It's good to remember, and getting less painful.

And, the other day, someone noticed a toddler in a car and called the police, who broke the window and rescued him. That's the silver lining in our cloud right now.

Memories

I'm sure this will get easier with time. Right now, I am thankful for all the pictures I have that help me remember Myles.

I can't promise to post as often; we're working to find a new daily routine here. But our family has been greatly blessed during the past week and a half. We can feel the prayers and good wishes supporting us all. Thank you. We are more grateful than we can express.