So, this will be a bit depressing [sorry] and I hope y'all know that I am doing okay, even on the bad days.
I was reading another blog and it sparked this memory. Stephenie Meyer writes the Twilight book series, about a girl and a vampire who are in love. In the second book, after Edward leaves because he wants Bella to have a normal life, there are a few chapters with headings and nothing else. Like, at the top of the page, "October" is written and underlined, but the entire page is blank, because that's how it feels when you lose someone that important to you- blank. After a while, she starts writing again: about how Bella pretends to be normal, going out with friends to see a movie she has no interest in because it would be 'normal.' Talking to people at lunch because that would be 'normal.' And I have to admit there are days- weeks actually- that I only remember because I have kept a journal. I still have blank days. Right now, this week, is a good time for that because everybody else is camping, and my melancholy won't impact them. But at times this pain is sharp enough that I need to be alone, to process my grief without bursting into tears in public or screaming because another well-meaning person has shared their view on death [usually somebody I'm not acquainted with, and usually not my own view of a loving God who cries with me because He knows what it is like to lose a Son as well]. And I deal better when I can be alone, and cry and pray and remember Myles without having to explain why I'm doing what I'm doing. Then I can go to the library, or wherever, and be around people without breaking down again.
I am okay. Every day, God lends me the strength to do what I need to in order to care for my three other children, and my husband. But it is in these quiet, lonely moments that I am able to grieve, and recharge myself to shoulder the load I carry.
Thank you for praying for me, and my family. I can feel it when I am prayed for, and it helps a lot. I love you guys :)
7 comments:
Janalee...Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Its good to know you are doing okay...we are still thinking and praying for your whole family daily. I've been debating to share something I found with you, and your post convinced me that maybe I should.... I had friend here in Las Vegas, who lost her niece in a drowning accident about a month ago. Her sister-in-law has a blog that I have visited a couple of times since and I was amazed how you both wrote about the same part in New Moon...if you want to visit her blog its adailyscoop.blogspot.com I don't really know if you would be interested or not but if so here is a family going through a very similar experience. We love you guys and hope to see you all soon!!
You know I'm only a phone call away. I really am in awe of how strong you are. I can't wait to see you in a couple of weeks.
Janalee, there isn't a day, that I don't say a small prayer for all of you, but esp. you. There are so many times that I smile, and others that I just want to hold you and cry.
I love you, and I too, am only a phone call away.
Hey there, Janalee. Just wanted to let you know I'm keep you and your family in my prayers as well. God truly does grace us with strength when we need it. Keep hangin' in there, sweetie. More love from Iowa --Karla
I'm glad that you shared this, I often wonder how you are doing. Not having gone through this, I don't know what everyday is like once you've lost a loved one, especially a child. I'm so glad you're doing okay. I'm grateful for the gospel, as you are, for the eternal perspective that we have and knowing that we will be reunited with our loved ones again one day.
Your comment about New Moon makes absolute sense to me.
I know every day is a new struggle but each day you make it through is an accomplishment.
{{{Hugs}}}
Thanks for sharing, I can't not imagine the pain, but I know our loving God will see you through. I am still praying for you as well. Rosalie
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